What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 04:41
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And i lived it daily.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im still living with it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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She wouldn,t have been !
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Which city should one visit between Nice and Cannes? Why?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Why did i forgive my father ?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Who then, do I blame.?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Ive learnt so much.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He resisted the act ,that day.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
This is soul school!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was seconnd youngest,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I said to her
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I don,t even have a pension.
But it wasn’t much.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My family never makes their pension either.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I think the readers, may guess!
All the time i was locked up.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
When she asked me how she looked .
So, i spoilt her more .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I have no regrets .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My life is so biszare .
I was scared of men, in general
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So whats the point in blame.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One cannot live in the past .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
What did i know ?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I could never make a relationship work though!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Comes on , in middle age.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Put me off passion for life!!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We all went to grammer schools
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But, we were locked up after school.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She loved him until the end.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was 9 years of age.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He knew the spot.
She found it foreign!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We were not on the streets..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was in good health!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was very sick at this time too.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
It was going to be , some day.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I will be 64.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I waited trembling.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Would this be the day?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She married twice! .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!